Being a mom,  Thoughts

Mommy on contemplation: when sleeping ritual is successful but a me-time suddenly doesn’t seem so necessary

It’s almost 10 p.m. now and Aurélie has been sleeping. Clemens is on his ski trip with his clique and suddenly I feel so lonely. This is actually a perfect chance for a me-time..or for Netflix-binge. But I suddenly don’t feel like it.. I miss my baby. Although she’s only five meters away in her room.

My 5 months-old baby has grown up.. She’s obviously been feeling secure enough, now that she really can fall asleep in her own bed in her own room.

It was my goal..as the nights seemed so long. In the first month, Aurélie could only sleep while breastfeeding or if we bounced her on the gym-ball or if she slept on our chests.. At that time, I only had wished for some quality sleep.

By the time she was about 7 weeks old, I did a baby massage class with her. And then I started to implement the massage as a part of her night ritual. So one of us would always go with her to her bedroom at around 8 p.m.. We would dim the light, read a book with her (it’s usually Clemens’ part, to read her German books – because Aurélie listens to me in Indonesian the whole day), do some more snuggling, wash her and then change her clothing into her sleeping attire. As a closure to the ritual, I would give her a massage for about 5-10 minutes, which she really enjoys. During the night ritual, we always play a German goodnight lullaby album. After the massage, I would give her last milk, when she would start to fall asleep.

At the beginning she always fell asleep while breastfeeding. And then I would move her to her crib. As weeks go by, I started to put her in her crib just as she began to fall asleep at my breast. Usually then it took about 10-15 minutes of soothing until she finally fell asleep.

Since last week, the soothing part got shorter significantly. And since three days, I put her in her crib while she was still awake. Miraculously now she falls asleep as soon her head hits the mattress.

I should have felt happy, that mini-me is now a very a secure baby and that she can sleep on her own. But on the other hand, I feel lonely. Mini-me doesn’t need me anymore to sleep, and that after 5 months..

Probably we shouldn’t have put her in own crib too soon. Probably we should have just let her sleep in our bed until she goes to school..

Soon enough, she wouldn’t need her parents anymore in her daily life.. And now my heart aches.

I wonder how my parents took it, as both their only children left home after high school.. and then 11.000 km away to another continent.

I started to cry, having my baby 5 meters away… What will I do, when Aurélie leaves us to another continent..?

It must be true they say..the nights were long yet the years will be very short.

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