It was not easy making the phone calls to get a psychologist. My pride was hurt, deeply. At some point I tried to tell myself, even physicians get burn out and depressive phases. That is a common secret. And even if you think -as a physician- you know what you are having, there are times when you have to realize that you can’t treat yourself. But it is always easier saying than doing.
Just in front of the chair in my therapist’s office, there is a big framed picture with this motto “DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY”. I then decided to write and make documentations about things that make me happy, dedicated only for myself. Why bothering and betraying myself? I am to live, just as how I want to. There is no prescription. There has never been and will ever be a guaranty, that the life lane would be straight.. The key is solely myself. It is to make myself happy. I can please others, only if I am pleased with myself. I can help others, only if I am healthy.
Week after week.. I have been spending a lot of time thinking and pondering. About the course of my life, about all the decision I have made, about all the failures and successes, about all doubts I have been having. I had expected that people would be disappointed in me, with my failure and “burn out”. ´ Against my expectations, every dear person I know has been there..unconditionally. I was so dumb to think, that everyone expects so much from me. No, they haven’t. The only expectation they have, is for me to be happy.
My job doesn’t define me. My success never defined me. I am just who I am, with all my strengths and weaknesses. I have to befriend and forgive myself. Only so, I can be accepted and forgiven by the people around me.
I made a mental note. Every time I wake up, I promise myself to do things that make me happy. And every time I go to bed, I will say it out loud, why the day has been good and what I am so grateful for.
And so in this new year, while I strive to get on both feet again, I will just do things that make me happy. This blog is only one reflection of what makes me happy. Not for anything else.
For the moment, I am happy with myself. I have forgiven myself for having made bad decisions and for the “failures”. Just as a wise man said: There is no perfection, because perfection is God.
I might just have to admit and accept, that career and medicine are not the only things that make me perfectly happy. Being a physician is both a privilege AND a responsibility. Life goes on and I’m sure that I will find the missing piece which can complete my happiness.
In this case, I wish you all:
Selamat tahun baru! Happy new year! Frohes gesundes neues Jahr! Prospero año nuevo!